The body is weary, but the spirit is spicy


I’ve just staggered back in from the gym, from a “Body Attack” class which was pretty much the first fitness orientated thing I’ve done since the gallbladder left the building.

It wasn’t a pretty sight to be honest. I got a stitch within about 8 minutes of Gloria Gaynor shrieking out how she was going to survive, and I pretty much gave up any belief of my own survival.

But I did manage to make it to the end, by which point I resembled a puppet on a string with a very lazy puppeteer. Or a thunderbird with a twitch.

I am slightly worried that in about 3 hours my muscles are going to suddenly seize up and I’ll never walk again. I’ll have to drag myself around with my lips. Which will make the school run somewhat embarrassing.

If they don’t completely seize up today, then I think I’ll go again tomorrow at the risk of inducing total body meltdown. It’s dangerous, but I must get fit again! The only other option is to give up chocolate and biscuits, and tell you me, my sweet pretty – that AIN’T happening. I can’t deny myself anything. Even for a new year’s resolution.

But, January is the month of abstinence in this house. 

Not for me, hell no, for Mr Boxer Shorts. Every January he gives up the booze for a month. Best month of my life for two reasons. 

Firstly, more booze for me. I tend to take UP drinking in January, since I don’t drink a lot for the rest of the year. In fact, between being pregnant and breastfeeding, I am pretty much now the cheapest drunk you’ll ever meet, and after two small glasses of wine can be coerced in flashing my wobbly bits. It’s an experience best left unexperienced.

Hubs, on the other hand, is a seasoned drinker. Actually, he’s more like an alcoholic in some respects. Once he starts, he can’t stop (for reference, see chinese for one). That means that when a bottle of wine is opened in our house, it’s rarely still there the next day. 

So I love January, because there is a bottle of Cloudy Bay in the fridge, and it’s mine, ALL MINE! I can make that baby last a whole week with just one glass a day.

You see, I have SELF CONTROL.

(Except for last night, when I was guzzling the Bailieys, and now I have no idea how much is left, since the bottle is heavy and opaque, but I can hear swishing, so tonight that sucker and I are going ALL the WAY.)

The second reason why I love hubs giving up the booze in January is because it makes everything smell better. And I mean everything. You drinkers don’t realise how much a habit affects how you smell. It makes a big difference. By the end of January Mr Boxer Shorts’ personal aroma will have changed quite a lot. His breath will be sweeter, his sweat less acrid and more natural, and even his nocturnal toots will be less caustic to the delicate membranes of the nose and eyes.

And then, just in time for my birthday, he’ll reach the end of the month, and go out on a huge bender. He’ll come home smelling like brewery and farting like a leaky nuclear reactor. 

Happy birthday darling, parpppt!

While he’s parading himself around during January with that infernal air of smug holiness, I really should do something about my own health. (Just a note, this is NOT a new year’s resolution in any way shape or form.)

I’ve been wanting to get back into running, since I haven’t really run since before I had the children. What I really need to do is give myself a goal to aim for. Without a goal, I tend to be totally unmotivated. Or in more realistic terms – too lazy to get off my own arse. 

This is why I go to aerobics classes – they have a starting time so I have to show up, and then someone else yells at me to try harder.

I did the Great North Run in 1999. It was the first run of any magnitude that I’d ever done in my life if you don’t count that cross country race that I did when I was 9 (and got lost doing), and I did it in 2 hours 15 minutes. 

I had three thoughts in quick succession as I crossed the finish line, and they were:

  1. Holy shit, I am NEVER doing this again.
  2. So this is only halfway in a full marathon? F**K THAT!*
  3. I think I’ll train more before the next one.

I never got the chance to do another one of those, as the year after that I was enrolled in the race again, but managed to get drunk and break my ankle while playing softball in Arizona (I wasn’t actually playing softball at the time, this is a story for a whole ‘nother blog post!).

The year after that I was 8 months pregnant, and so far too lazy and self obsessed to consider running. So sue me.

And now I am about to hit 40. If I don’t get running soon, I am afraid that parts of me will start sliding off, and I won’t be allowed to enter, for fear of grossing out everyone else in the race.

So this is another challenge to add to my list. I am not doing the Great North Run again. It’s too bloody far away! It took us 9 hours to drive home, and that’s just not fun. I need to find a half marathon that is closer to home, and in about 6 months or so.

When I can get off my lazy arse, I’ll google that. And meanwhile, pass me that glass of Cloudy Bay and the box of chocolates – my muscles seem to have stopped working now!

* Sorry for the swearing mum. I did add two stars in, but I know you can still read it anyway!

Categories: health and stuff


  • Elly Lou says:

    I run when chased. You couldn’t pay me to attempt a marathon. Bully for you ya wild running fiend. I’ve totally got your back on the chocolates and alcohol front, though. Good luck!

  • Dorkys says:

    Oh wow, talk about ambition! I can’t run more than two blocks straight. But I can speedwalk for miles, go figure. Good luck with training for the marathon!

  • alison says:

    Thanks Dorkys and Elly Lou – it’s only going to be a HALF marathon though, and I might even start off with a small 10k run!

  • alison says:

    Or maybe a 5k…

  • UberGrumpy says:

    ‘farting like a leaky nuclear reactor’ – like it
    How do I follow this hi-tech slicked-back blog? Hmmm?

  • alison says:

    Hi UberGrumpy, try this link on for size!

  • Sandboxgems says:

    I just turned 40 and this year my body is rebelling on me! I have to get back into exercise and everytime I try, my back gives me muscle spasms. So, I relax them with a nice glass of wine and try again another day. Hope you have more success!! Happy New Year!

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