All I want for Christmas is a lobotomy

mr and mrs claus

Picture this…

A flickering fire low in the fireplace. The glimmer reflected in the baubles swinging gently on the tree, and perched on the edge of the over stuffed armchair, glass of sherry in hand sits Santa. His ruddy face houses eyes of blue that twinkle in the firelight as he inspects a mince pie – lovingly left out for him by the children of the house.

But the picture is kinda scewed. 

Lets try again.

A flickering fire low in the fireplace. The glimmer reflected in the baubles swinging gently on the tree, and perched on the edge of the over stuffed armchair, glass of sherry in hand sits Mrs Claus. Her genteel face houses eyes of blue that twinkle in the firelight as she inspects a low fat mince pie – lovingly left out for her by the children of the house.

Because lets face it – when it comes to the traditional family, who actually plays Santa?

Who spends the weeks before the big day drawing up lists (and checking them thrice) for the children and working out the fairest distribution of toys for the clan?

Who sorts out gifts for grandma, grandma, grandpa and grumps, regardless of whose parent they are?*

Who buys the wrapping paper and carefully hides the special “santa” paper where the kids will never see it?

Who does the wrapping and hiding of the special santa presents?

Who finds the stockings in the loft and checks for spiders? (Twice.)

Who waits until the kids are asleep and then tiptoes about the house filling stockings hung with care (and without spiders)?

snack for santa

Let me tell you who it ISN’T.  It isn’t Mr Drunky who goes out for a beverage or two on Christmas Eve and stumbles home near midnight smelling like a brewery, then thinks he deserves to eat the snack left out for Santa.

I am sure I am not alone in this household allocation of roles. So why don’t we update the santa fantasy and let the old red suited dude retire. Mrs Claus can step into the breach and take over the running of the family business. Let’s face it – she probably does most of it as it is.

And she’s doing it all while also juggling the elves welfare needs, the catering for several hundred, animal husbandry for the reindeer, education for the mini elves, as well as toy production classes and technology refresher classes.

Mrs Claus ROCKS. All she needs is a nice new set of matching hat and gloves, some kick-ass sexy (and yet so sensible) black boots, and a sleigh with a new paint job. The old go faster naked woman on the bonnet doesn’t really work for her.

It makes the lyrics “she knows when you are sleeping, she sees when you’re awake” so much more pertinent, because how many men actually know what their kids are doing at any point in time when they are technically under their control? Unless the kids happen to be sitting next to them, ALSO watching the football, then there is a good chance that they are actually dismantling the neighbours car. Or cat. Or both.

Nope, Mrs Claus brings in a new era of serious consequences for naughty children. She really does have eyes in the back of her head, she she knows the value of following through.

But in the meantime, I’ll continue to masquerade as Santa, and get generally overwhelmed by the vast to-do list set before me. And to round that off, I’ve adjusted the lyrics of a well known christmas jingle to reflect my mood, and also to make marymac happy.



All I want for christmas

Everybody pauses and stares at me
The sanity is gone as you can see

I don’t know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas is my sanity,
my sanity, or a lobotomy.

Gee, if I could only have a holiday,
then I’ll survive a “Merry Christmas.”

It seems so long since I could chill, 
sitting on a chair with a decanter.

Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if someone else was playing santa

All I want for Christmas is my sanity,
my sanity, or a lobotomy.

Gee, if I could only have a holiday,
then I’ll survive a “Merry Christmas.”



Why thank you very much, good night.


By the way, this is why the snack left out for Santa is rightfully MINE!

* Although I have to admit that this year, Mr Boxer Shorts said to me “What did you get my parents?” And I said “nothing yet”. And since I’d already flown to Australia, and he hadn’t (and his parents will not be) he decided to get them presents all by himself. I don’t actually have proof that he did that yet though… 

Photo credits: Emery_way and  Norwichnuts

15 Comments

  • The Wifey says:

    Yeah, umm, my husband will definitely not be taking on the adventure of the Santa business. He’ll mess it up, I just know it. Best to leave it to this mama.

  • UberGrumpy says:

    ‘Decanter’ and ‘santa’.
    Now that’s a classy rhyme. Respect

  • Stefanie says:

    Love it!! Walking around singing All I want for Christmas is my sanity. Think I will be fore days.

  • @marymac says:

    Marymac is happy! Ewww, I just talked about myself in the third person…that is sooo creeptastic.
    I love your song. LOVE. IT.
    You are SO RIGHT about Mrs. Claus!
    It reminds me of the song “Anyone Can Be Santa” that Mrs. Claus sings in my favoritest Rankin and Bass song from the tv special Year Without a Santa Claus when I was growing up. Here ya go:



    I bet if we wrote to Mrs. Claus instead of Santa, we’d get better stuff…..
    Merry Christmas and congrats on a FAB entry in the funny Xmas song contest!!

  • alison says:

    The Wifey – yep, it’s ALWAYS best to leave it to mama!
    UberGrumpy, thanks, I consider myself a right classy bird. Unfortunately, others disagree. I don’t get it.
    Stephanie, if you’re singing it, could you record it for me??
    marymac, she’d do a great job. It just takes a bit of adjustment from the rest of the world. They’ll get used to it in time.

  • rimarama says:

    True, that! We are so undervalued. But do you really leave Santa a plate of mincemeat pie? It’s milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer here 🙂

  • alison says:

    When I grew up it was cookies, but my husband is an only child, and his mother tended to go overboard on most things.

  • Here Here Sister! I’m totally with you. Let’s turn this MR. Claus thing upside down! Do we start a petition? Do we call somebody? Whatever it is -I’m in!

  • alison says:

    Maybe a petition. Maybe a twitterpeal?

  • BugginWord says:

    Except Mrs. Claus would probably leave the cookies and only eat the reindeer’s carrots ’cause she wants to looks super foxy at her upcoming high school reunion…

  • alison says:

    That’s true – but then later she’ll sneak down the stairs and finish the mince pie, since calories after midnight don’t count, do they?

  • Daria says:

    Oh My Goodness! How catchy is your tune? LOL! I giggled out loud, and like others who have read it (or will eventually), I am going to have it stuck in my head for quite a while! =)
    This is my first year being married, so we don’t have a Mr. or Mrs. Claus debate, yet. But, like a lot of the stuff that happens around here, I can be pretty sure who will take over the Santa role when the time comes… <— This gal! =)

  • Ha! I love it. Sanity – what a nice idea. I should try it sometime.
    Will you hate me a lot if I tell you that my husband helps me with ALL of that stuff? Willingly?

  • alison says:

    Daria – I bet you’ll be right!
    Thanks Carol!
    Ok dysfunctional mom, you must own that rare gem of a man that everyone else wants! but he must have some downsides, surely!