Men and cushions, and why they are incompatible

By Alison
4 September, 2009
Comments Off on Men and cushions, and why they are incompatible

I have a few theories on men (straight men) and things that they are incompatible with, and cushions are at the top of the list. I know that this is a well debated topic. Men just don’t DO cushions. They dislike cushions. They want to PUNISH cushions. That last part is my own take on the scenario. My other half doesn’t just ignore the cushions on our sofa, he chooses to sit on them in such a way that their physical form is practically mutilated. They simply can’t hold their shape after his not specifically overlarge behind has smashed them into the sofa.

I almost need to use a quick-unpick to separate the cushions from the sofa base after he’s been on it. And there is no chance in hell that he might stand up, pervay the chaos his arse has created, and think to “plump”. Oh no, “plump” is not a word that straight men know of!

So our sofas have a contstantly stepped on look. Elephants would be hard pressed to do more damage, and probably couldn’t leave as many crumbs behind either. That’s part two of the things that men are incompatible with. They are in complete denial about their inability to eat cleanly. And despite the fact that there are house rules (oh don’t get me started!) that the front room is not generally a place for eating, he won’t just eat his own food there, but will enable the children to make a mess in there as well. Which is tantamount to letting 3 grown men loose in there in terms of mess and breakfast cereal underfoot.

Breakfast isn’t the only meal that he wears. I can’t count the number of his T-shirts I’ve thrown out because of a dribbly oily stain from navel to chin – the result of a takeaway placed on his belly while lying down and smeared upwards as he attempts to eat it. The only good thing about this is that the sofa covers are cream, and far more expensive to replace than his shirts, so as long as he places his body between them and the meal, I’ll overlook it.

Some areas of the house have a completely different effect on men. The toilet has a very interesting scientific reaction when a man stands in front of it. Its a magnetic effect on a man’s eyes. They simply can’t look at it. This serves two purposes – one is the complete inability to aim distance correctly, and the other is the total absense of awareness of a need to clean.

He will notice the basin being dirty, he’ll even notice the shower floor being dirty, but never the toilet. Actually, the glass doors of the shower are beyond his recognition as well, but I always assume the reason for that is the perceived difficulty of cleaning those. Better to pretend he never noticed rather than start something he doesn’t mean to finish.

Dishwashers bring to the fore a fact that many men keep very closely hidden, and that is the fact that they simply can’t think logically. At least, not while in the kitchen. Men can’t stack dishwashers. They can’t put plates away in a logical sizing/shape order either, but the dishwasher is a supreme example of total illogic.

He’ll either wash half the things by hand because he can’t fit them in the dishwasher – which will then be too empty to run a wash cycle, or he’ll pile up the things so randomly that the water simply can’t get through to half of them. Rather than stack 6 plates of the same sort beside each other, I’ll find bowls jammed into spaces too small for them, and plates that didn’t get inserted straight, but cross from one wire space to the one in front and then get stuck. Small bowls will be on the bottom rack taking up spaces for full sized plates, which then get wedged under pots. Glasses of assorted sizes are sporadically scattered about the top rack with big spaces between them.

He is aware of this lack, and often does ask me to stack it, so I guess that’s a step in the right direction – awareness. Now how do I get him to become aware of cushions?